I feel like a lot has happened since my last life lately post. First, thank you all for your sweet comments, DMs, texts, and cards after I shared what it’s been like navigating life after loss. I’m so grateful to have a supportive group of real-life and internet friends in my life.

July started off a little rocky because I think that’s when I finally started processing my Nana’s death. Thankfully the month ended on a higher note than it started. During a therapy session at the end of the month, I told my therapist that I couldn’t believe how great I felt considering how dark I felt last month. I even shared that a small part of me felt guilty for feeling good so soon. She reminded me that it’s okay to move on if I’m ready.

I think a huge reason why I was able to get to where I am so quickly was that I gave myself space to feel. Shortly after it happened, I threw myself into work because I didn’t know what else to do. But that behavior was more hurtful than it was helpful. Also, a huge shoutout to my husband for holding space for my grief. His willingness to pick up where I cannot mentally and physically function because of this sadness has been so helpful for me.

At the beginning of the month, one of my favorite hula competitions aired on television. Watching it reminded me of how much I loved to dance and it made me feel so proud to be Hawaiian. It’s been years since I danced the hula, but after the program aired, I had this gut feeling to discover who I am as a kānaka maoli in the Hawaiian community, and I believe that gut feeling is coming from my Nana. Some of you know I’m a mix of Hawaiian, Filipino, Japanese, Portuguese, and Russian, and I married Mexican; However, I identify as Hawaiian. In more recent years, I haven’t been feeling “Hawaiian enough” because I fell into the comparison trap where I believed the lie that I’m not Hawaiian enough because I wasn’t doing the same things other kānaka are doing.

Then, a few weeks ago, an opportunity to learn lāʻau lapaʻau (native Hawaiian healing) came up at work and I felt the same gut feeling to sign up. Shortly after signing up, I was accepted into the cohort that would do an on-site visit to Hoʻoulu ʻĀina, a nature reserve in the scenic Kalihi Valley. On-site, we toured the forest and learned about native Hawaiian healing from a lāʻau lapaʻau practitioner. I know my kūpuna was there with me that day because I knew almost everything the practitioner shared, but I never learned it from anyone before. The connection I felt with my ancestors that day was the confirmation I needed as a kānaka.

While the gut feelings have subsided, I know this wahine in progress has a lot to learn and unlearn about her culture. I am constantly reminding myself that learning, like healing, is not linear. In fact, there’s an ʻōlelo noʻeau (Hawaiian proverb) that says, “ʻAʻole pau ka ʻike i ka hālau hoʻokahi,” which means “Not all knowledge is learned in one school.”

Aside from all the deep thinking, I made time for some fun, too. I got my hair done and we ate at our favorite at Serg’s Mexican Restaurant a few times. Their tacos al pastor is our favorite. *chef’s kiss*

In August, I’m looking forward to our vacation and celebrating my 30th birthday. I have lots of travel content ideas brewing so sign up for my email list so you never miss a post. Have a great August and I’ll catch up with you again at the end of the month!