Hi, friends! It's been a while since I shared a blog post, huh? For a while there I felt like I no longer fit in as a blogger anymore because I didn't think I had the "perfect blogger look or lifestyle" portrayed by many bloggers I follow and am inspired by. Then I finally remembered I write primarily for me because it helps me process things. So, this weekend I sat down to write, and apparently, I had A LOT to say (especially about where I'm at with starting a family).

Life's been great the last few months! It's been so great I sometimes catch myself second-guessing how great it is. After living most of my life in a state of anxiety, I still struggle to believe that I deserve to live a happy, peaceful, and abundant life.

After my Nana passed away in June, it was tough for me to live life like normal for the first month or so. I felt guilty for feeling good when the sadness went away, and I went through that cycle for a few months. Grief still plagues me without notice, and it makes it tough to get through some days. I believe feelings, like grief, are moments passing in time, and we should allow ourselves to feel it, so we have an easier time letting it go.

In August, we went on our first out-of-state vacation since 2019. We celebrated my 30th birthday in Disneyland and visited Angel's family, who was kind enough to throw me a birthday party, as well as a wedding reception since we canceled ours because of the COVID-19 pandemic. I was sad when we decided to postpone our wedding because we wouldn't celebrate our big life event like a traditional wedding. But Angel's mom went all out with the decor, food, desserts, and entertainment, and I'm glad we still had a chance to celebrate.

Shortly after we got home, we packed our bags for Disneyland (again!) to celebrate our first wedding anniversary. Funny story, a few days after we returned from our August trip, Angel wanted to get my input on something he was planning. When the words "Disneyland in October" came out of his mouth, I was speechless. Instead of being excited, like I usually am when anyone talks to me about Disney, I was worried about what my work would think about me taking vacations back-to-back-to-back. The people at work who matter reassured me that it was okay as long as I had time off (which I did, so yay!).

Our anniversary trip was a quick 72-hour trip. We treated ourselves to stay at the Disneyland Hotel, where we had a corner room and a perfect view of Downtown Disney. We upgraded our tickets to park hoppers and even met up with an old college friend we hadn't seen since 2011. It was so nice to slip away from reality, even if it was only for a few days. I mean, Walt Disney created Disneyland for that purpose.

Now that we're back to reality, something that's been stressing me out is whether or not I want kids. Since we've gotten married, everyone wants to know when we're going to start a family, and if I'm honest, it's all very overwhelming. We initially set a date to start trying in early 2022, and now that the new year is just a few months away, I'm getting cold feet. I don't feel ready for that kind of responsibility just yet.

When Angel and I started dating in 2010, I wanted kids, but he didn't. I remember we had just celebrated our second dating anniversary when I decided to pick a fight with him about the future of our relationship. Angel shocked the hell out of me when he said he didn't want kids (mainly because we often joked about what it would be like if we had kids, and when I finally found the courage to have a serious conversation with him about it, he told me he never wanted kids). Years later, I realized I picked that fight because I was graduating in a few months, and I felt insecure about my/our future.

Between our third and sixth years of dating, I often used my age and starting a family to pressure Angel into proposing to me quicker. I would say, "I'm not getting any younger," and "Do you know how hard it is for women to get pregnant in their 30s," as if I knew what that was like at 22.

When I think about those conversations now, I remember I only wanted to have kids because I grew up learning that's what married couples do. Now that I'm 30 years old and married, I feel scared to do it.

First of all, I can't believe I'm within the childbearing age. I still feel like I'm a kid on the inside. Although we dated for 10 years before getting married, I’m having so much fun in this current stage of our life that I’m not ready to move on yet. We've been so careful by using some form of birth control during our entire relationship to prevent pregnancy that planning when we want to start trying scares the hell out of me. But the thing that's holding me back the most—more than the labor and delivery pain—is that I don't feel like I'm mentally prepared for a baby.

After prioritizing my mental health over the last three years, I feel afraid that my hard work will go to shit once I have a baby. As someone who feels feelings easily, I'm not sure if I'll be able to handle all the anger, heartbreak, and disappointment that comes with being a parent. I'm the oldest of five kids, and I've felt my mom and dad's stress and anxiety when they raised us (heck, I still feel it today, and we're all adults now). 

I struggled with not letting my parents down when I was growing up, so I tried so hard to be perfect because I only wanted them to be happy and proud of me and never disappointed. Now, as a self-proclaimed recovering perfectionist, there is this underlying fear of not being the perfect mother. I know who I was before I started working on myself, and I'm afraid that person will come out when I become a mother.

I know our friends and families are excited to see our family grow, but the nagging has become so overwhelming it makes me want to crawl into a hole and hide. I'm so thankful I have my husband to hold my hand through this life-changing decision. He has been so patient and supportive of me during this overwhelming time.

When we decide to start our family, all I know right now is that I want to raise my children in a home filled with compassion and empathy. I want them to understand that it's okay to be themselves, that feelings are okay, and crying doesn't mean you're weak. I hope we'll still be able to go on family vacations because experiences are better than things, and quality time together is priceless.