Photo by @ab_ on Unsplash

On Sunday, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) posted guidelines about canceling or postponing events with 50 or more guests over the next 8 weeks. Our wedding was scheduled for the first weekend in May—which happened to be the final week of the 8 week period.

Angel suggested postponing the wedding first and I was taken aback. The fact that we were even having a discussion about postponing our wedding less than 50 days out sucked.

There was a part of me that didn’t want to postpone out of fear of letting our traveling guests down. I am well aware that flying to Hawaii is not cheap and it made me sad to have to tell them our decision. Then, I thought of my Nana. I could not have her at the wedding around people that might be carrying the disease. It’s too dangerous. How do you explain to your 87-year-old Nana that she can’t go to the first wedding in her family when she is totally capable of going? As I thought of more scenarios, the more my heart broke.

As I was crying and trying to wrap my head around all of this, Angel comforted me and said that postponing the wedding might be a good thing. He said we’ll have more time to plan a wedding we want—Read: I want. That night, I hung on to that little sliver of hope and slept on it.

On Monday morning, we made the call to postpone the wedding. I haven’t stopped to process anything that happened and now that I’m writing this, I feel f*cking sad and mad. Most of all, I feel like giving up on having a wedding. Pulling the “first wedding” together (re: the guest list and wedding politics) was a nightmare. Why the hell would I want do it again? Then I think about how much we deserve to celebrate us and I get excited again.

Writing this post has been somewhat therapeutic. I think it goes without saying that we’re living in uncertain times right now. I understand that the coronavirus is extremely dangerous and sometimes life threatening. Knowing that we both wanted to protect the health of our family and friends is comforting but it doesn’t fix the pain I feel for something that was so close but is now so far. Could this be a second chance at planning something I want? Sure. Do I want to do it all over again? Not really.

I acknowledge there are people going through way worse things than me and I send my heart out to those that are suffering. Especially to those that have the virus or know someone with it. Sending you all love, strength, and peace. Let’s all continue to wash our hands, practice social distancing, and checking in on each other. If you’re struggling, I’m here for you. Comment below, email me, DM me on Instagram, Tweet me, or call or text me if you have my number. Social distancing is simple but also isolating. Check in on your friends and family with mental health issues and remember to be kind. ❤️