2023 Word of the Year: Mana
Photo by Linus Nylund (@dreamsoftheoceans) via Unsplash.
Happy New Year, friends! How are you feeling ending the first full week of 2023? I feel stressed because I convinced myself it was a good idea to do everything all at once during the last week of 2022 and the first week of the New Year. 😅 Not a smart move on my part, but I know I can do it once I take the time to sort everything out.
Today, I'm sharing with you my 2023 word of the year. Each year, I choose one word to focus on instead of setting traditional new year's resolutions. The word I choose becomes the foundation of my year and acts as a guide for my goals. Catch up on my past words of the year:
Keep reading to learn more about my 2023 word of the year: Mana.
2022 WORD OF THE YEAR RECAP
Last year, I chose "identity" as my word of the year. When I picked that word, I felt I needed to stop proving who I am to others and accept myself confidently. Sure, I feel much more confident than I did the year prior, but there were areas related to my race where I felt more confused than ever. As a multiracial person, I realized I could not solve my issues with my different races in a year. It will require lifelong work, and I'm okay with that. My imposter syndrome regarding my race was so strong that I quietly quit opportunities to share my story with others. I feel shame reflecting on it now, and I'm working through it.
When I chose the word identity, it was a gentle reminder to stop looking for things about myself to change. I often share that therapy is one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. It gave me the tools to break free from my overbearing anxiety and perfectionism. I also learned about self-awareness and how to communicate my feelings with loved ones. My perfectionist tendencies, mixed with my newfound self-awareness, sometimes pushed me to obsess over finding things about myself to fix. Thankfully, I recognized that pattern at the end of 2021 and challenged myself to be proud of who I am and share my feelings and experiences, even when I felt less than perfect. Choosing identity as my 2022 word of the year allowed me to explore being vulnerable in a new way, which allowed me to show up as my authentic self.
Related: Identity: My 2022 Word of the Year
MY 2023 WORD OF THE YEAR: MANA
I chose "mana" as my word of the year this year because I feel like this is the year to reconnect with my spiritual self. Mana is Hawaiian for many words, but the iteration I'm using means divine power or spiritual. I chose a Hawaiian word because "spiritual" or "spirituality" didn't sit right with me when brainstorming this year's word. Those words felt too... English; proper, and I couldn't connect with them. When I looked up the Hawaiian word for spiritual, mana popped up, and it was like the word I was looking for fell into my lap.
Mana: Noun – Supernatural or divine power, miraculous power; spiritual.
I chose this word because I feel my spirituality is missing from my healing journey. I spent the last four years going to therapy and doing a lot of internal work to overcome my anxiety and perfectionism. A couple of weeks ago, I made a breakthrough and identified where my anxiety and perfectionism stem. A big chunk I’m beginning to discover comes from years of misunderstanding my religion's teachings about God and His love for me.
I grew up in a strict Catholic household. We went to church almost every Sunday, went to Sunday school, and received our sacraments. We served in various ministries and volunteered our time, and that mindset followed me into adulthood. The church taught me that God’s love was unconditional, yet the unsaid pressure to be perfect at home confused me into believing His love was conditional. So, I performed my religion the best I could for years to get that golden ticket into heaven and to make my parents proud.
But the more I performed my religion, the more obsessed I got with being seen as perfect, and my anxiety grew.
There are moments in my life where I can identify my most performed religious acts. Recalling them makes me feel nauseous, to be honest.
I've been going to therapy for four years, and I strongly believe God put therapy in my life to heal my wounds. He saw me struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, and people-pleasing and answered my prayers for help. Thinking about it now, I think He gave me an opportunity to seek help earlier, but I was too prideful, naive, and fearful to trust Him. Every time I turned Him down, He prepared my heart for the deep, painful, and vulnerable work for when I was ready. (Spoiler alert: I was sooo ready when I went to that first therapy appointment.)
When the pandemic was at its peak, we stopped going to church. I convinced myself that it was to protect the seniors with whom I attend mass, but it was much easier not to go. Stepping away from church made me reflect on my unhealthy attachment to it and why. I appreciate God giving me the space to explore that in one of my most emotional and loneliest seasons.
As I emerge from a long season of healing, I feel like God is tugging on my heartstrings to return home to Him at church. And friends, I would be lying to you if I didn't mention how afraid I am. When you open yourself up to deep healing as I did, you sometimes question if you're ready to put yourself back into environments that trigger you. But part of healing is being courageous and putting yourself out there again.
The Christmas Eve sermon this year was that God made Himself into a human baby to remind us that it's okay to be vulnerable and it's okay to be human. He forgives us because He loves us—a beautiful message for someone like me who struggles with perfectionism.
This year, I’m focusing on strengthening my spirituality to create a balanced mental, physical, and spiritual health ecosystem. I know it won't be easy, but I'm looking forward to reconnecting spiritually.