Life Lately June 2021: Navigating Life After Loss

July 19, 2021 makes one month since my Nana passed away. She was 88 years old.

I was very close with my Nana, and navigating life without her physically here has been a rollercoaster of emotions. When I first learned of her passing, I was shocked because my husband Angel and I had just visited with her the night before. While we were there, I saw Nana throw a kiss at Angel, who was sitting across the room. It was so lovely to see her in good spirits again. We stayed for a few hours talking stories and watching t.v. with her and my uncle (her son and caregiver). When we left, we threw kisses at her, not knowing it would be the last time.

The first couple of days after she passed, I felt numb emotionally. I busied myself by helping my mom (her daughter) sort through her stuff. When my mom returned home to Kauaʻi, and had nothing left to do but wait, I felt heavy with sadness. That’s when the floodgate of tears opened. I think I cried for three days straight. Some days are more challenging than others, especially when I remember that she’ll no longer be there when we visit my uncle at their house. 

I have so many memories with my Nana. I remember always wanting to be with her. When I was a young girl, I would cry when it was time for her to return to Oʻahu after visiting us on Kauaʻi. When I visited her on Oʻahu, she would take me to Daie and let me watch Sailor Moon. I remember loving the smell of her blankets. They had that distinct smell that always reminded me of her.

I remember how proud she was when I got accepted to Kamehameha Schools. When I went out with her, she told everyone about me — even strangers. Her purse was a Kamehameha Schools tote bag that she proudly kept as her bag until her last breath. When we talked on the phone, she would end our conversations by exclaiming, “I MUA KAMEHAMEHA!” And when I graduated from high school, she gifted me a beautiful gold Hawaiian bracelet with my Hawaiian name, and engraved on the inside was “I Mua Kamehameha! ♡ Nana”.

My Nana was one of the first people I introduced Angel to when we started dating. I remember how smitten she was with him, and she often teased she would steal him from me. We enjoyed many Sunday lunch dates at Zippy’s with her, where she would shamelessly flirt with him in front of me. She loved Angel’s tattoos and always knew when he had a new one.

When Angel and I got engaged, she was so happy for us! Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to come to the wedding because of the COVID-19 pandemic. It was hard for me to explain our decision to her, but my Nana said she understood.

When we gave her our Christmas card with one of our wedding photos, she held the picture and cried and said she was so happy for us. I know how sad she was to have missed out on her grandchild’s wedding. Sometimes I wish I did things differently, like visit her before or after we got married so she could see us in our wedding outfits.

I also have some not-so-great memories of my Nana. Like the time she had a bathroom accident in the grocery store. She was so embarrassed, she apologized for days afterward. Then there was the time we found out she had breast cancer again — 15+ years after her first diagnosis and mastectomy. When she opted to remove her remaining breast, we didn’t anticipate her recovery to take so long. It was hard to see her in an almost vegetative state for so long. There were also times when her dementia was so bad that it was hard to have conversations. Over time I learned it was best to let her talk stories instead of fighting her on what was real and what wasn’t. And how can I forget the time I curiously asked her if my grandpa, her husband, had Hawaiian blood. She was so mad at me she didn’t talk to me for weeks.

Despite all the hard stuff she experienced, my Nana was kind, perseverant, and had the most generous soul. She always made sure her friends and family were taken care of. She gave me her car with the notion that I’d take her to her doctor’s appointments if my schedule allowed. When Angel and I moved into our first apartment, she gave us some money for the down payment. When we took her and my uncle grocery shopping, she always told us to put whatever we wanted in the basket. 

Making time to visit my Nana was one of the best things I did as an adult. Watching her health decline was hard, but it forced me to face my fears and I grew so much from the experience.

I miss my Nana so much. Some days I regret not hugging her that night. My Nana gave me the best hugs. She would hug me as hard as she could and sigh a long “MMMMM!” in her shaky voice while doing it. It had been over a year since I last hugged her because of COVID. Now I wish I could hug her one more time and tell her I love her. I wish I could’ve given her great-grandbabies or took her out to buy a watch (she kept asking me to take her, but I kept turning her down because of COVID), or eat lunch or dinner with her one last time.

This type of grief is new to me. It’s deep, dark, and painful. I hate that this type of grief doesn’t have a clear beginning and end. I just want the pain from the loss to disappear forever. After talking with some friends and family who have experienced loss, I’ve learned that the pain of losing someone never really goes away. You know how to live with it. Grief has no timeline, and I think I’m beginning to accept that.

Life is short. Hug your loved ones tight and tell them you love them every chance you get. If you’ve ever lost someone in your life, I am here with you.