Life Lately May 2021: COVID-19 Vaccine, Travel Plans, and My Struggle with Body Image
Hello from the beautiful island of Kauaʻi! This is my first time on a plane and first trip home in over a year. The last time I went home was for my bridal shower in March 2020. The Coronavirus was just starting to affect Hawaiʻi and two weeks later, we were forced to postpone our wedding.
COVID-19 Vaccine
Now that I’m vaccinated, I feel more confident traveling. I like knowing I have an extra layer of protection and that I am exempt from taking a COVID-19 test and a 10-day quarantine between islands. Hopefully, by the time we go to California, we won’t need to take a test to return home.
When the vaccine was first rolled out, I was concerned with how short the testing period was and all the scary rumors. As a marketing and communications professional in the health care industry, I lucky to be exposed to lots of educational material about the vaccine. After educating myself, I was able to make an informed decision about getting the vaccine.
To be totally transparent, I’ve had a few health scares since being fully vaccinated. Two days after being inoculated with the second dose of the vaccine, I tripped and fainted at home (or fainted and tripped — my husband and I still don’t know what really happened), and I discovered a swollen lymph node in my right armpit. I’m also still dealing with some depression-like feelings, including zero interest in doing the things that make me happy as well as day-to-day activities, like cleaning my house, folding and putting away my laundry, or going to Target.
This forced time off has been frustrating because I hate feeling “blah,” but I believe things happen for a reason. Maybe all of these medical scares post-vaccine was a reminder for me to take it easy.
Upcoming Travel Plans
If there’s one pre-pandemic activity I’m interested in returning to, it’s traveling. My husband and I often visit my home island of Kauaʻi and his family in California, and of course, Disneyland.
We are spending the Memorial Day weekend visiting my family on Kauaʻi. It’s been 14 months since we were all together, and it was nice to see them in the flesh and hug them.
Our next trip is in August; we’re going to California to visit my husband’s family, celebrate my 30th birthday, and of course, Disneyland!
I was hoping Disneyland would open up to out-of-state guests by August, and it did! Non-California residents can begin visiting Disneyland starting June 15, 2021. We’ve already secured our tickets and lodging. I made our theme park reservations. Now I’m just waiting until we’re eligible to start making dining reservations. This will be our first trip back since getting married, and I’m so excited to experience the Disney magic as a married couple.
Body Image
Is it just me, or did May feel like the longest month, ever? I was finally starting to feel balanced until May. That’s when I noticed my feelings shift. I was overcome with feelings of irritation, depression, and a clear lack of motivation and confidence in my body image. I gained about 20 lbs. during the pandemic, and I feel awful about it. I see myself in pictures and think, “What happened?”
My relationship with my body has been something I struggled with for many years. I remember being a young girl and being self-conscious about how my thighs touched and looked like triangles when I sat down. During my first year of high school, I lost so much weight that I was almost unrecognizable. When I was in college, I did Beach Body Insanity because I was afraid my boyfriend would leave me if I gained weight (spoiler alert: we’re married now). I exercised a lot, and I ate portions that were so small, they barely replenished the calories lost during my daily HIIT (high-intensity interval training) workouts. I also developed an unhealthy relationship with my scale and became obsessed with linking the number to my worth. When I bought my wedding dress, I purposefully bought it two sizes bigger to alter the dress to my pre-pandemic body. Unfortunately, when I tried on my dress six months after we postponed our wedding, it was too tight. I remember feeling defeated, and I cried while I nitpicked at the parts of my body I hated in the dressing room of the wedding shop.
I recently saw a full-body picture of myself in a one-piece bathing suit, and I felt disgusted. I was so unrecognizable to myself that it put me in a bad mood for the rest of the weekend. I projected how I felt about myself onto others and blamed them for my insecurities. Although these insecurities make me feel so uncomfortable that I want to crawl out of my own skin and hide in a closet, there are some things I love about my body, like the softness of my belly, how strong she is in mind and body, and the way my traps look after a good back and shoulder workout.
I’m sharing this with you because if there’s one thing I’ve learned on my wellness journey, it’s that vulnerability is cathartic for me. Being honest with myself and others about my feelings has allowed me to heal in ways I never thought were possible. I hope that sharing this longtime hidden struggle with my body image will be just as healing as when I write about my anxieties.