What I Learned From Our First Year of Marriage

Bride and groom at Koko Crater Botanical Garden, Hawaii

We recently celebrated our first wedding anniversary (in the happiest place on earth, of course). I originally planned on publishing this post before the significant milestone. Still, every time I sat down to write it, I would blank out. To be honest, marriage doesn't feel all that different from the 10 years we were dating before we legally tied the knot. Sure, we don't fight as much over the small, annoying bad habits we each have, but that's pretty much all I could come up with at the time.

As I continued to ponder what I learned from our first year of marriage, I realized that everything I learned from our years together was now in play. It was necessary, now more than ever, to highlight and share it with others. I'm not sharing these lessons as a relationship blueprint because every relationship is unique. What works for us may not work for you. I'm sharing these lessons more because they really reiterate everything we (should have) learned growing up. So, here's what I learned from our first year of marriage.

What I Learned From Our First Year of Marriage

Show Up In Your Relationship

I can't express how important this first lesson is. Showing up in your relationship is one of the greatest forms of love, in my opinion. "Showing up" can look like genuinely listening to your partner, spending quality time with them, or holding space (mentally and physically being present) for them without judgment during tough times.

I openly talk about my anxiety and occasional panic attacks here on the blog and on my social media. Believe it or not, it’s taken me a while to articulate how I feel to Angel, and accept the way he supports me, because I was picky about what that support looked like. But Angel has showed up for me time and time again to listen, learn, and support me on my mental health journey, and I love him even more for that.

Another moment from our first year of marriage where this was particularly important was when I found out my Nana had passed.

The stress caused me to be short with Angel, and weeks later, I criticized him for not being sympathetic the way I wanted him to. Maybe his sympathy wasn't like how it's portrayed in the movies, but he was there for me in the best way he knew how. He gave me space to grieve, sometimes at the most random times or places. He picked up after me, often doing my responsibilities, during my darkest times. He allowed me to exist without expectation. That's what showing up for your partner looks like.

Communication Is Key

I know this sounds cliché, but communication really is essential in marriage. Learning to communicate with your partner effectively takes practice and patience. I used to pride myself on my communication skills (I'm an over communicator by nature). Still, I sometimes get stumped when I need to articulate my wants and needs in fear of my partner's reaction.

I realize how fortunate I am to have access to a therapist who taught me how to communicate better and manage my reactions. Not only has it helped in the way I show up in my relationship, but it's also helped in the healing process with some of my family members and the way I work with others. If you're looking for a therapist, Psychology Today has a great tool to help you find a licensed therapist in your area. If you don't have access to a therapist, Mental Health America has lots of free resources you can browse.

Intimacy is More Than Sex

I always struggled with the idea that intimacy is sex. Still, I didn't start noticing it until the first few months after we were married. Being raised Catholic, I was taught that sex was a sin unless you're married and trying to conceive. When I chose to have sex before marriage, I went through years of turmoil trying to identify who I was in the eyes of God and as an individual. This ultimately affected the way I showed up sexually in our relationship, even after marriage. I felt guilty for wanting to connect with my partner on a deeper level, but not in the "we're trying to start a family" kind of way.

In addition to not fully understanding sex, I felt ashamed when I wasn't "in the mood" and insecure that my husband would leave me because of it. I eventually did a deep dive on these issues with my therapist. I learned that the root of my issues around sex and intimacy was due to a lack of education and body confidence. I learned that intimacy is a connection between the mind, body, and soul. It can look like touching in a non-sexual way or connecting on a deep and intellectual level.

Physical touch (hugging, cuddling, holding hands, etc.) and quality time help me connect with my husband. I also actively educate myself on sex and intimacy to help deepen my connection with myself and my partner. Also, my continued work on my strained relationship with my body image gives me the confidence I need to connect with my husband on a deeper level.

Set Healthy Boundaries

When you get married, you essentially become one person. "Your" things/responsibilities/problems become "our" things/responsibilities/problems. It can be challenging to have your own identity as a married couple. While spending time with your other half is important, it's equally important to have separate friends, hobbies, and interests outside of your relationship.

See Your Partner With New Eyes

When a person goes on a growth journey, it can be challenging to see them with new eyes; Especially when you've known them and their (bad) habits for a long time. I'm guilty of this in my relationship with my husband and my relationship with my family and friends. This limited mindset affects all relationships. We owe others the opportunity to break free from who they were so they can be the best version of themself. We need to try our hardest to accept and encourage their growth and not hold them back from it. Acknowledging your partner’s growth and seeing them with new eyes can help.